How to Give, Receive & Learn From Feedback (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)

Squiggly Careers
568 views • January 20, 2026

This is Day 2 of the Learn Like a Lobster skill sprint, and today Helen and Sarah focus on one of the hardest - and most important - career skills: how to give and receive tough feedback. Learning doesn’t just happen after the difficult moment has passed - some of the most powerful development happens while things feel uncomfortable. In this episode, Helen and Sarah explore how to learn in the hard moments — particularly when feedback feels awkward, emotional, or risky.

🦞 Pre-order Learn Like A Lobster:
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⏱️ Timestamps

00:00 Lobsters grow in hard moments
02:00 The fear of asking, giving & receiving feedback
08:15 The “say the hard thing” framework
05:55 Organisational silence
06:54 A real feedback conversation
09:12 Inspiration & 24hr action

🎯 What You’ll Learn

- Why tough feedback moments are powerful learning opportunities
- A practical framework for navigating difficult conversations
- How speaking up unlocks learning for individuals and teams

📚 Resources Mentioned

Say the Hard Thing Scenario Planner - https://www.saythehardthing.ai/
Learn Like a Lobster Profiler – https://www.learnlikealobsterprofiler.com/

🔔S𝐮𝐛𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐮𝐩𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬:https://www.youtube.com/@SquigglyCareers?sub_confirmation=1

If you enjoyed this episode, you may also like:
▶️ https://youtu.be/NwgbPJ-pvao
▶️ https://youtu.be/c4Bm6IDGOKM
▶️ https://youtu.be/jdhXZrrc6nY

For questions about Squiggly Careers or to share feedback, please email helenandsarah@squigglycareers.com

More ways to learn about Squiggly Careers:
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0:00 Hi, I'm Sarah. And I'm Helen.
0:01 >> And this is day two of our Squiggly
0:03 Careers sprint. We hope you had some fun
0:06 knowing your notifications and starting
0:08 to collect some data for your
0:09 development. And today we're going to be
0:11 diving into learning in hard moments.
0:14 So, this links to the fascinating
0:16 feature lobsters have, which is that
0:18 they grow the most when they shed their
0:21 shell. So, I think we're so used to
0:23 seeing pictures of lobsters with their
0:25 very beautiful shell and what actually
0:27 happens is that that shell becomes a
0:29 constraint to their growth. And so, they
0:31 break out of their shell is an energy
0:34 zapping process. They leave that old
0:37 shell behind and they have this period
0:39 of vulnerability. They're kind of like a
0:40 little jelly like they jelly like almost
0:42 like seethrough. Um there's quite a lot
0:44 of risk in this moment but there is also
0:47 a lot of reward because what happens is
0:49 that shell that they shed can grow back
0:51 and when it does it is bigger and
0:54 stronger than it was before and we think
0:56 this is the same for our learning. We
0:59 think there are moments in our careers
1:01 which are shell shedding where we become
1:04 vulnerable. We feel at risk and these
1:07 moments feel difficult for people in
1:08 terms of their development but they are
1:10 the moments when we can learn the most.
1:11 So that's what we want to encourage you
1:13 to do today.
1:14 >> So it's sort of hard and worth it is my
1:16 is always my conclusion here. And the
1:19 thing that we really recognize is when
1:20 we were doing a lot of research on this
1:22 and talking to lots of our community,
1:24 people do know that hard moments have
1:27 lots of learning, but they tend to wait
1:30 until after the hard moment. So then
1:32 you've got to look back, you probably
1:34 missed out on some of the learning from
1:35 that moment. So what we have really
1:37 challenged ourselves to think about is
1:39 like learning in that hard moment. So
1:41 during a hard time. So moving beyond
1:44 just being in like make it through mode
1:46 to actually do you know what this is
1:48 hard. So I'm almost like I might as well
1:50 learn at the same time because it'll be
1:52 worth it for my development. So today
1:54 we're going to be talking about
1:55 feedback. And feedback is hard for
1:58 everyone. When you say that word
1:59 feedback when I talk about it in
2:01 workshops and say how would you respond
2:03 if your manager asked you for five
2:04 minutes for some feedback at the end of
2:06 the day? The emoticons and gifts and
2:09 dread that I get back. I actually asked
2:11 this yesterday and you get like people
2:13 hiding. They're like I'm going to get
2:15 fired. So there is so much fear around
2:17 feedback. I think asking, giving and
2:20 receiving all has different types of
2:22 fears. Um so Helen, what's your biggest
2:24 feedback fear?
2:26 >> Well, out of the asking, giving, and
2:27 receiving, it's probably giving. And I
2:31 think my fear is what if the feedback
2:34 that I give you creates friction in our
2:37 relationship? It's probably linked to a
2:39 confidence grumbling about like wanting
2:41 you know everyone to be happy and people
2:42 pleasing and be liked all that kind of
2:43 stuff. And so I don't then give the
2:46 feedback or the quality of the feedback
2:48 because of that fear.
2:49 >> What about you?
2:50 >> I think probably receiving feedback that
2:54 might confirm the worst things you
2:56 already think about yourself.
2:58 >> And this is like we put this in the book
2:59 like about I think receiving feedback
3:01 sometimes gets forgotten as a skill. You
3:03 know, you talk a lot about like asking
3:05 for it and kind of giving, but actually
3:07 it it can feel really scary when people
3:10 have given you feedback being like,
3:11 well, how do I make sense of this? How
3:14 do I process this in a way that is
3:16 useful, especially as somebody like I
3:18 would reflect a lot? I'll think about
3:20 things. So any I can remember like most
3:23 feedback people ever give you and so it
3:26 really kind of sticks and stays with me.
3:27 But Bnee Brown has a great quote that I
3:30 keep coming back to on feedback and she
3:32 says, "When we shield ourselves from
3:34 feedback, we stop growing." So though it
3:37 is hard, you know that kind of payoff of
3:40 you can uncover learning, I think that
3:42 you just can't get any other way. We
3:44 know that self-awareness is both
3:46 understanding yourself and understanding
3:49 how other people see you too. So if we
3:51 really want to progress and develop, I
3:53 think we sort of have to have the
3:54 acceptance that feedback needs to be
3:56 part of that process and then kind of
3:58 figure out right how can we make this
4:00 more of a habit? How can we practice
4:02 this so that it feels easier? It'll
4:04 probably never be easy but make it
4:05 easier.
4:06 >> So we're going to hopefully encourage
4:08 people that are sprinting to shed their
4:09 shell and we're going to talk about a
4:11 tool that is in the book called Say the
4:13 Hard Thing. And this is about delivering
4:16 messages that you really want to but
4:18 feel difficult to do. And if you don't
4:20 share that message, it's probably going
4:21 to get in the way of someone else's
4:23 growth and your growth, too. So, we've
4:25 got a framework in the book that I will
4:27 talk through quickly so people know. And
4:29 then we thought we would give a bit of a
4:30 live example of a say the hard things
4:32 situation that Sarah and I had recently
4:35 where we've kind of reflected with our
4:37 model in mind and spotted where it could
4:40 have been better. It could have been
4:41 better. So, it's a good learning moment,
4:43 I think, to use it. So, the say the hard
4:45 thing framework, there's four parts to
4:47 it. There's a structure for when you are
4:49 potentially delivering a message that
4:51 feels difficult to say. It probably
4:52 feels hard for someone to hear. How can
4:54 you set yourself up for a more effective
4:57 learning moment? So the first thing is
4:59 we always want to start with an open
5:01 question. So we're not always diving
5:03 into saying the thing that is difficult.
5:05 We're starting with an open curious
5:06 question so we can see where someone's
5:08 coming from. Then we will acknowledge
5:10 their response. So however someone feels
5:12 or whatever they're thinking, we will
5:14 take the time to appreciate and
5:15 acknowledge that. then you have to say
5:17 it. There is no getting away from you
5:19 need to say the hard thing, but what you
5:20 might do is change how you say it or
5:23 what you say based on what you've heard.
5:25 And then the last part is that you need
5:27 to involve the person. So I'm not just
5:29 saying it and that's the end of the
5:30 conversation. It's really the start of
5:32 the conversation together. We're going
5:34 to work through this difficult thing
5:36 that we wanted to say and speak about
5:38 together. And I think if you can get
5:39 better at this both individually, but
5:41 also as a team. So I think say the hard
5:43 thing can also be a team skill as well
5:45 as an individual one.
5:47 >> The difference can be that things that
5:49 go unsaid suddenly actually are
5:52 acknowledged or talked about. And
5:54 Margaret he did some great research um
5:56 on organizational silence. And she found
5:59 that 85% of people have concerns at work
6:02 that they don't talk about. So, you
6:04 know, if you then saw that as like
6:05 imagine all of the learning you could
6:07 unlock if you could get people to speak
6:10 up and to say that hard thing to make it
6:12 safer to say the hard thing and
6:15 definitely what we are not saying here
6:16 is this is a structure you've got to
6:18 remember for a conversation. I never
6:19 think that's realistic.
6:21 >> And also I think it's worth remembering
6:23 almost the harder it is the more likely
6:25 this is to be a number of conversations.
6:28 You know, I think sometimes people put a
6:29 lot of pressure on themselves. I have to
6:30 fix all this in like one conversation.
6:33 And as I've been using this over the
6:34 last year, sometimes I think I've just
6:36 used the open question and acknowledge
6:39 and that's been conversation one because
6:41 then I've understood where someone is
6:43 and then maybe you start the next
6:44 conversation by saying the hard thing.
6:46 And having some go-to phrases for like
6:48 what the say the hard thing sounds like
6:50 has really helped me. Should we give our
6:52 example?
6:53 >> So the situation was Sarah and I were
6:55 away. We were actually at the National
6:56 Lobster Hatchery. We were going to see
6:58 some lobsters. So appropriate. Trying
7:00 out our own models with a lobster just
7:02 down the road.
7:03 >> Very true.
7:04 >> And it was the end of the day and um and
7:06 I gave Sarah some feedback about how I
7:09 believed Sarah was showing up at work.
7:12 Um which went somewhere along the Well,
7:14 I don't know. You tell me how it how
7:15 what you heard. uh you are getting too
7:19 involved in too many things and doing
7:22 lots of other people's work and that's
7:25 hindering rather than helping us.
7:27 >> So yeah, I effectively said that to
7:29 Sarah and I don't think Sarah was
7:31 expecting it and your first response was
7:33 you I think you were sort of taken aback
7:35 a little bit defensive. Um, and I could
7:37 see that I hadn't delivered that
7:39 feedback in an effective way. And as a
7:42 result of that, there was a moment where
7:44 learning didn't happen. Actually, it
7:45 almost it could almost create a bit of
7:47 conflict between shut down. Yeah. Almost
7:48 shut down. But then actually, we started
7:51 to move towards questions. So, it
7:54 happened quite naturally for us, which
7:55 is I' I'd kind of said the hard thing
7:57 before I'd asked that open question at
7:59 the start and then when we started
8:01 asking questions like, well, why is this
8:03 happening? What's changed? what's making
8:05 you feel like this? Then together we
8:08 started to be able to solve it. And so
8:10 it really it really showed to me that
8:12 this that a better thing would have been
8:14 to start with the question rather than
8:16 start with saying the hard thing. I
8:17 didn't have the context.
8:18 >> Yeah. And I think when we reflected on
8:20 that, you know, if you think about it,
8:23 my response was very much, oh, I'm
8:25 working really really hard like to to do
8:28 things that need to get done. And then
8:31 at the same time, you've now given me
8:32 kind of a hard to hear message. So it's
8:34 like hard on hard
8:36 >> and so you have to take a really deep
8:38 breath and I think well criy that's in
8:40 the context of you and I getting on
8:42 brilliantly very high trust known each
8:45 other for a really long time and it's
8:47 still really hard you miss the learning
8:48 rather than look for the learning but I
8:50 think the questions saved us
8:52 >> and then we got there and then actually
8:54 we both felt quite positive and then we
8:56 were both quite interested in it we were
8:58 like cuz then it becomes like uh I don't
9:00 know something that together you want to
9:02 make better and you're challenging and
9:03 building and it's it's just a lot less
9:06 about going well you have got this wrong
9:08 versus this doesn't feel right so how do
9:11 we how do we improve so the quote that
9:13 we picked out today comes from Sophie
9:15 Williams previous podcast guest yes um
9:17 and she said to us her advice for
9:19 learning was don't be afraid to ask
9:21 questions about or challenge things that
9:24 are unchallengeable or unquestionable I
9:27 feel like Sophie is a very good say the
9:29 hard thing role model
9:30 >> yeah I agree
9:30 >> she's she's really good at empathetic
9:33 ically also saying things that could be
9:35 could be really difficult. So,
9:37 >> okay. So, what's our tool for people of
9:39 their 24-hour action?
9:40 >> So, our tool is um a say the hard thing
9:43 kind of GPT. So, we have built something
9:46 so that you can go away and put in your
9:49 say the hard thing scenario because I
9:51 bet we all have one. It might it might
9:54 be a big one, but it could be something
9:55 smaller just like there's a process in
9:57 my team that's not working well or
10:00 everybody said they were going to do
10:01 this thing, but it's not happened or I'm
10:03 finding this thing a bit tricky with my
10:05 manager, but I've not I've not said
10:07 anything. So, it can be a really small
10:08 say the hard thing scenario. It can be a
10:10 really big one. And what it's going to
10:12 do, this say the hard thing sort of
10:13 scenario planner
10:15 >> is going to help you with how you might
10:18 approach that situation, what you might
10:20 say. It will ask you some good questions
10:22 and it's just a really safe way to get
10:24 started. Love it. So, we hope you found
10:26 today useful and you've got lots of
10:28 ideas to try out. Come back for day
10:30 three of the squiggly skills sprint.
10:32 Tomorrow we're going to continue with
10:33 learning in hard moments and we've got
10:35 some new ideas for action for you to try
10:37 out.